The one-year itch!

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Six months after marrying her boyfriend of 10 years, Aparna found herself on the marriage counsellor's couch. The Mumbai-based school teacher felt claustrophobic, having made the transition from a nuclear setup to a joint family.

Tyra Banks

She recalls, "It was irritating. I have been an independent working woman and my in-laws wanted me to give up my job. They also criticised the way I dressed and my cooking."

Aparna is not alone. Recently, an impulsive Manisha Koirala, married for barely five months, confessed online that she was contemplating divorce, before brushing it off as a silly moment. The dreaded seven-year-itch now plagues couples within the first year of marriage. When a marriage counsellor asked some newlywedded women to describe their feelings, the adjectives she got ranged from overwhelmed, scared, lonely, frustrated, to content, inept, irritated, determined, to selfrighteousness. Remarks an expert, "Getting married is like moving to foreign shores. There's culture shock; you won't always speak the same language as your husband."

As patience wears thin and career demands increase, there's little time for couples to work on their relationship. Individuals also feel uprooted as they try to moor themselves in life as a couple.

Adds psychiatrist Ruksheda Syeda, "The first year of marriage is definitely challenging. When you start sharing your intimate space with another person, there is an overnight switch, physically, psychologically, socially and financially as well. Romance takes a backseat as reality creeps in early."

With the need for instant gratification high, compromise is a bad word. Couples don't hesitate to give up and take a fresh chance on love elsewhere. "Couples are heading for the six-month itch," declares marriage counsellor Manasi. "Earlier, women were more conditioned to give in, but not anymore," points out Manasi.

Infidelity is also on the rise so are unfavourable comparisons with an ex, say experts. It can take little to widen the cracks in a marriage. In a recent case, a marriage broke off within a few weeks after a husband objected to his doctor wife being friendly with her male colleagues. In another case, a wife took offence when her husband took to constantly calling his mother to check on her health while on their honeymoon!

Marriage therapist Kamal Khurana says, "Marriage has become an accessory to show off to the world. It's like a product which comes with a money back guarantee. We rush into commitments, have quick sex, jump to conclusions and then get into replacement mode equally fast. A reality check can lead to chaos and frustration. It's all about 'I, me and myself ', whereas a relationship is about interdependence."

But, all is not lost if one considers the initial hiccups a passing phase. Says a mediaperson, who has been married for eight months, "In the first few months, one has to be prepared to give 100 per cent to a marriage. If you can pull it off, nothing like it!"

Counter the first-year itch
You are a partnership: Sometimes he cooks and cleans, sometimes she does. It's 50/50. Sex is important: It can be rough going if you have differing sex drives. Work out a schedule to make sure you both get what you need. Do the baby talk: Talk about the issue of kids as early as possible. It's important to be completely honest about this from the start. What does your partner want? All too often, we focus on our own feelings, wants and needs. Reach out to make him/her feel good.

Learn to say sorry
Regardless of who started the argument, saying sorry is an easy way to resolve a bad situation.

Don't be a brick wall
If there are arguments, don't just sit there and say nothing, staring into space with a grumpy expression. Don't shout. Just talk. It really helps.

It's okay to sleep over a fight
Come back to it later when you are feeling better and discuss the issue. You will sound more logical then.

Don't let in-laws make life hell
The most important person in your life now is your partner. You picked each other. And you'll hopefully spend the rest of your lives together. Don't let anything interfere with this.

Keep romance alive
Schedule and keep dates with each other.

Discuss finances
Take time out to discuss your budget.
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