Carolyn Hax: Dont kill the messenger of boyfriends cheating - Idaho Statesman

Dear Carolyn: A friend told me she suspected my boyfriend was cheating, I insisted he wasnt and that she was being spiteful, and a week later it turned out she was right. Now I know I need to apologize to her, but part of me is annoyed she didnt just say initially that she was sure about it.

EATING CROW

What would you have thrown at her then that she was spiteful and a liar, too?

You just got awful news, Im sorry. But dont take that out on the messenger. You dont need to agree with her approach to recognize her intentions: to plant a seed and hope youd take it from there.

So eat your crow straight up, unseasoned by face-saving But you shoulda accusations.

In fact, since you reflexively attacked her character, your work isnt finished with the (profuse) apology. Also ask yourself whether youre quick to find fault in others but slow to do so in yourself. There could be value in this disaster if it unearths a bad habit.

Hi, Carolyn: I started liking this guy during my freshman year of college. We had some romantic involvement, but things were always rocky because neither of us wanted to date, due to the fact that we both fulfilled that stereotype of college kids, partying, hooking up with random people, etc.

During this period, I slept with someone in his frat he went to my high school and Id had a crush on him since I was a freshman in high school.

Later in the year, the first boy and I began to date. Weve been dating for about three months now, but theres one huge problem: After a week of dating, he found out about his frat brother. Hes been upset ever since and tells me he still loses sleep over it. Weve talked about it countless times, and he tells me that if he cant get over it we will have to break up. I like this guy so much, and I desperately want to get past this. What can I do?

CLUELESS IN COLLEGE

Put this union out of its misery, and break up with him. As follows (thematically, not verbatim, of course): We both came to each other through other people. I am not just grudgingly OK with that Im glad you turned out the way you did and accept how you got there. I hope someday you can do the same for me, but until you can, I cant date you. Im sorry.

We can debate whether it matters that you used to crush on the frat brother; that the frat brother possibly (undoubtedly?) said some choice things about you; that there are double standards involved. We can even feel for your boyfriend for his unwelcome knowledge/imagery. But unless you left something out, youre paying dearly for not doing anything wrong.

Youve talked countless times, but the second conversation, maybe third, was the perfect time to remind him theres nothing more to be said. How many months are you ready to burn, trying to undo what cant be undone?

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