How to go from just friends to something more - Daily Times
How to go from just friends to something more
*Yahoo News compiles a list of tactics for people in love to go beyond the friends stage
Step 1: Look before you leap
The most important thing you should do before you act is this: think! You absolutely might be on the verge of something wonderful, but then again, it could be a fleeting moment of loneliness or lust that leads you astray. I have had a few friendships that could have been something more at one time, but I always try to let that first impulse pass, says Jennifer of Brooklyn, NY. If it is meant to be, that feeling will happen again. If it was a passing fancy, then there will be no awkward conversation over what happened that night. While waiting for repeated waves of more-than-friendly feelings is a wise idea, you should also ask yourself this: Why havent you dated this person before? Sometimes its simply because you met when one of you was involved in a relationship or something else equally distracting, like writing a doctoral dissertation, caring for an older parent or whatever life puts on your plate, says Joni Mantell, a psychotherapist and relationship coach in New York City. If that was the case and the hurdle has since disappeared, then it might be the right time to redefine your relationship. If, on the other hand, you two have had windows of opportunity to get closer in the past and passed them up, then maybe it was for good reason. The bottom line is, figuring out whats triggered your change of heart is crucial. It might be because your friend comes through for you in a crisis like no one in your life ever has, and this makes you realize how special this person is to you, says Mantell. If thats the case, does that necessarily mean a romantic relationship is in the cards? Another possibility is that you have given some thought to your patterns in relationships (in therapy, or by yourself), and you realize you would rather date a nice man or woman instead of the more exciting, dangerous prospects you were pursuing before. In other words, you are growing up and letting go of old baggage, says Mantell. Thats a good reason to seriously consider giving this a shot.
Step 2: Test the waters
So youve decided that your emotions are the real deal... but what about your friends feelings? Are you two on the same page, or is the object of your affection blissfully unaware that you two could click romantically? To determine the answer, ask yourself these questions: Are you the first person he or she shares good (or bad) news with, and vice versa? Is this person jealous or critical of your dates and previous partners? Is your friend possessive about spending time with you alone rather than while along with others? Does he or she compliment you as a date would (ie, You look beautiful in that dress or Man, youre looking handsome today)? Is the amount of time you spend together increasing? A yes response to several of these questions could mean the attraction is indeed mutual. You can also try dropping hints, which can not only help you gauge the persons reaction it also plants a mental seed in case he or she hasnt yet entertained the thought of coupledom with you for a partner. Laurie Puhn, JD, author of Instant Persuasion: How To Change Your Words And Change Your Life, suggests trying something like: You know, I date... but none of the people I go out with really compare to you, or I was talking to Jane the other night and when she bumped into us she thought we were on a date. Isnt that funny? If the other person says something like Yeah, I was thinking that, too. It does seem like were dating, or if he or she smiles, its a good reaction, says Puhn. If the person looks uncomfortable or changes the topic, thats not a good sign but since your comment was so innocuous, it should easily blow over quickly.
Step 3: Make your move
Youre pretty sure the sparks are there on both sides... now what? Should you lunge in for a lip-lock the next time youre together and pray your pal doesnt recoil in horror? Understandably, that prospect can be terrifying so consider a subtler move, like taking his or her arm or reaching for a hand during a movie or while walking around together. Its so innocent that the person wont likely pull away, and itll help your pal get more comfortable with getting closer. You may have been thinking about this for a year, but your friend may have only been trying to process the idea for 30 minutes, says Puhn. Remember that everything in this transition cant happen in one evening! Bashful types might also consider this stealthy move: Say, I wonder what it would be like if we were dating, suggests Mantell. This style of musing and imagining is good for a safe but playful start, which could lead to a kiss or a conversation about you two dating at the very least. If he or she does say, Lets just be friends, Mantell suggests that you be ready to provide reassurance that its OK with you. But recognize that there is always the possibility things may be weird after that. If you decide you can still hang out together, you can alleviate your buddys discomfort (and your own) by talking about other people youre interested in, whether thats some new co-worker or a cutie you saw online.
Step 4: Steam things up
It happened; you two are kissing! While it might be nice to think that youll click instantly since you know each other so well, familiarity also can work against you. The first contact might be awkward, says Mantell. Our society is more accustomed to romances built on pure fantasy, and that is harder to do with a friend. Mantell urges that transitioning couples shouldnt give up right away if the chemistry is off. Acknowledge the uneasiness, make a joke by saying something like, Well, we know each other too well to be relaxed. Another option is to promise each other youll go really slowly until you get used to this new way of interacting. One major caveat: while sharing a kiss doesnt have to mean you two are officially an item, the fact that youre already so close as friends can raise your romantic expectations. So whether youre interested in pursuing a serious relationship with this person or just out to satisfy your curiosity and keep things casual, its crucial that you communicate your expectations and hopes and have a handle on the other persons before getting too hot and heavy. Just say, Im really attracted to you, but want to make sure were on the same page so nobodys feelings get hurt and explain your stance from there. You two may forge ahead even if you dont see eye-to-eye, but at least its on the table. Everyone you start dating deserves that much, but friends especially do, dont you think? daily times monitor
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