Hax: 'I'm not interested in the mommy role' - Seattle Post Intelligencer

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Dear Carolyn:

I'm a child-free woman dating a divorced, devoted father for four years. His daughter is very cute and sweet, but I am generally ambivalent about her. I'm not interested in the mommy-role.

We've crafted our lives together so we spend time together generally when she is with her mom, which is 50 percent of the time. I love him dearly and the kid thinks I'm very cool and the time I spend with her is pleasant for all. But, ultimately, I have little to no interest in his daughter and frankly prefer when she's not around.

Is it unrealistic to think we can continue to have a compartmentalized relationship where he has his life with her, I have my life with him, and never the twain shall meet?

-- Anonymous

Obviously the twain do meet, or else you wouldn't be spending time with the daughter at all.
If you're saying that you're fine with this minimal contact and you don't ever want to become a stepmother, then that's realistic as long as the father is also interested in keeping his life compartmentalized, at least till his daughter is well-established in her own home, ideally by her early- to mid-20s.

I also hope you've been honest about not wanting to be a mom, and being open to the unusual arrangement: of being in a relationship where you and your partner maintain separate homes indefinitely, and you expect to see him only when his daughter is at her mom's, without complaining or pressuring for more.

If you aren't open to that arrangement, then you're not respecting your place in the back seat to this child. And if you are open to it but haven't said this clearly, then do so. Be very specific.

Just watch your phrasing -- you have no interest in being a mom, versus little interest in the child, which is pure Cruella. Unless, of course, you meant that, in which case, be honest.
Also realize that even after the daughter grows up and moves out, her dad will still be her dad, and there's no magic point where you get to monopolize his time.

Carolyn:

Thanks, I have been totally honest with him about my lack of interest in being "Mommy." We maintain separate homes and occasionally we'll do an outing with his daughter or I'll come over when she's there. He seems to accept it and I certainly accept it.

I was just wondering if we were having some sort of wishful thinking/delusion/folie a deux, that this lifestyle was even possible. She's 10, just seven more years to go ... woohooo!!!

-- Anonymous

OK, but -- if you can swap out "he seems to accept it" for "he fully accepts it," THEN you can say woohooo. But then you might want to look in the mirror and note that you just said "woohooo!!!" at the idea of nudging a now-10-year-old girl out of her home.

Also, when she's 17, she's going to need her father quite a bit; it's just more subtle as kids get older. As I said: Think mid-20s, and think of it as the time she's on her own, not out of her dad's life. One word: grandchildren.

Email Carolyn at tellme(at)washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.