Carolyn Hax: There are worse things than becoming invisible to men as you age - Idaho Statesman

Dear Carolyn: One of the things I find difficult about trying to be an intelligent, educated, therapized, mentally and emotionally healthy, content with singlehood, etc. woman in her 30s is I feel like Im not supposed to be afraid of having an expiration date, when men are no longer interested in me.

But I really, really do have that fear; I just dont like to admit to it. I know more than one woman who was shocked by becoming completely invisible to men at 40. I wish it werent real, but ignoring it solves nothing.

I feel incredibly angry that this happens to women at all. Ive struggled with a weight problem for most of my life, so I know what its like to go from visible to invisible and then back again as my weight fluctuates into and out of some strange permissible attractiveness range. I know what it feels like when the curtain drops, and Im dreading the day it drops forever.

WOMAN GROWING OLDER

Aging out of desirability isnt a fact of life just for women or just in dating. As the recent recession underscored, being a later-career job applicant also has its perils, since theyre in the same pool, often, with people who are less experienced but also far less expensive. There are laws against age discrimination and not against hot-chick discrimination, but this hardly means that being 50 and laid off isnt scary.

This answer is starting to sound like, You think thats depressing? No no, THIS is depressing an unhelpful way to help. But Im trying to disrupt your tight focus on the nobody will date women over 40 problem. As we age, our bodies and circumstances change. Inevitable. But that doesnt preordain your personal struggle. You may be happily paired by then, or happily uninterested, or more comfortable in your skin and thus more attractive than ever, or your genes or self-maintenance routine might vault you ahead. Who knows.

You do know youll be just like all people, who must accept that growing older brings its own challenges (and gifts). So, wait to see what they are, then respond.

Re: Growing older: Isnt it possible to become invisible even to your partner? Theoretically one loses youthful sexual attractiveness regardless of relationship status right? Yet people still get married and stay married, without cheating.

You stay visible based on what you offer. I think this insecurity about the future and I have it too is really about a fear of not mattering to anyone. Of being interchangeable with someone else. If youre not a cute girl anymore, but youre also nobodys cherished wife, then what are you?

I try to have many answers to that question for myself ones that will strengthen, rather than weaken, as I age.

ANONYMOUS

Good stuff, thanks though I slap my forehead at the whole concept of cuteness/cherished-wifery vs. a yawning void. Beyond looks and linkage are nothing less than who you are inside and what you do for the world, both of which are largely within your control.

And maybe Im just an old fart, but I cant think of any group of humans more interchangeable based solely on surface value than cute girls. Just ask Hollywood.

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