Hax: Youre not ready for a commitment - Idaho Statesman

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Carolyn: I have been dating my boyfriend for a year, and I love him. We have been seriously discussing marriage.

I know I want to marry him, but in my less sane moments I still find myself intrigued by other guys. It isnt so much that I want to date them, but I still enjoy that feeling of the hunt.

Are these feelings normal or am I just not ready to seriously commit? I never dated in high school or college, and this is only my second boyfriend (Im 25), so I wonder if I am trying to make up for the missed years.

IN LOVE BUT INTRIGUED

These feelings are normal for someone who is not ready to commit. Youre young, youre new at this and paired off for only a year. While its possible none of these things will ultimately come between you and Terrific, each of them is a reason to proceed with eyes wide open to the possibility that you are in flux. As in, still maturing, still figuring out what you like (and dont) about yourself and other people, and still getting to know this guy.

Since noticing other guys can feel wrong, and being wrong is incentive to push it out of your mind, re-label it as just a symptom of flux. So much can change for you in a year or three. If you date this guy with nothing but give it time intentions, then youll eventually see whether youre well matched for real. When marriage comes up, dont be afraid to slow things down to a speed you can manage.

Re: Intrigued:

I totally disagree. I sometimes think about what it might be like to be with someone else, but Im thrilled that I married my husband and couldnt imagine being with anyone else. I think its normal. You cant perpetuate the myth that you will always get butterflies when youre with the one you love.

ANONYMOUS

Thanks. To clarify, Im not talking about butterflies. Im talking about noticing other prospects. A little of that is normal, but Intrigued has a lot of it.

Email tellme@washpost.com. Chat online at 10 a.m. Fridays at www.washingtonpost.com.


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