Tips for the single life - Colonnade

After last weeks dating tips, Im proud to say each of my guy friends is in a new relationship. On that note, I feel lonely. Because of an overflow of angry emails, I assume this loneliness is common among other gentlemen who did not read last weeks paper.To avoid any more death threats, Ive included a few ideas on how to deal with being single in a couple-filled world. With these tips, the impending gloom and suicidal tendencies will dissipate into contentment, and hopefully college singles will find validation from within.
1. Sometimes, you have to date yourself. You know your favorite movies. You know your favorite restaurants. The only drawback is paying for yourself and the threat of schizophrenia, but those are nothing compared to being alone.
2. When your friends go on dates, dont stay home, watch romantic comedies and eat comfort foods. Ask your neighbor if shed also like to cry for a couple of hours. If they abstain, dress stuffed animals as your friends and conduct group therapy.
3. One sure-fire way to stop dwelling on your discontent is finding a hobby. Not only is the practice therapeutic, but the finished product could lead to extra income. Last week the stick effigy of my best friends lover burning at the stake sold online for $300.
4. If people arent asking you out on dates, its time to take the initiative. The key is searching in commonly overlooked locations where hungry souls yearn to be loved and give away love. I highly recommend prisons, brothels or nursing homes.
5. If your roommates relationship is hindering your friendship, talk to the intruding girlfriend. Since shes more likely to listen to her lover than a jealous stranger, you must kidnap her boyfriend, steal his clothes and take his girlfriend on a date. If shes insensitive to the situation, dump her, return his clothes and free him into the world of singleness.
6. Theres a possibility youre more invested in your friendship than the other party. The quickest way to check if your loneliness is unrealistic is to fake your own death. While attending your funeral, collect your friends tears in a rain gauge. Anything less than 2 inches is unacceptable. Anything over 2 inches means youre loved and shouldnt worry about loneliness because your friends still care.
7. If the friendship bond is weak, lend them an organ. You can safely give one kidney or lung, which leads to an obligatory hang-out session at least once a week.
I hope these tips help cut down on the tears and nights eating ice cream alone. If not, I suggest looking for other lonely people and starting a support group.

Posted by Steve Holbert on Sep 29 2011. Filed under Opinion. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.