Carolyn Hax: Aim to hurt the fewest people - The Spokesman-Review
July 17, 2011 in Features
Washington Post The Spokesman-Review
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Hi, Carolyn: Im having an ethical dilemma related to my ex-husband. Weve been divorced a year, separated for two. We were together more than five years. We were both very hurt by the breakup, but ultimately it was my decision to leave. There was no infidelity, no abuse. It was complicated but not vicious. Since the divorce, weve talked only to work out tax/financial issues, since we have no children together. It was always amicable, butawkward.
This summer, my good friend from college is getting married to my exs oldest friend (they actually introduced us). It will be the first time Ive seen my ex since the divorce, and his mother will also be there. I have anxiety about not only seeing my ex and his mom (she can be quite curt), but also whether to bring along the man I am currentlydating.
My boyfriend and I started dating months after the divorce, and it has gotten very serious. Hes a considerate guy and says hell understand if I dont bring him. But I am torn. I feel like if I dont bring my boyfriend, then I am putting my past relationship before my current one. Yet to bring my boyfriend might be heartless, since I know it would hurt my ex to see me with someone else. I respect my ex and dont want to cause him any more pain. Am I over-thinking this? Neuroticdivorcee
Possibly, but thats better than under-thinking it. The only things at stake here are peoples feelings, and so choosing the path for this one event thats thoughtful and sensitive to the most peoples feelings is your only realgoal.
And with that discrete, narrow goal in mind, please feel free to jettison the concern that youre putting my past relationship before my current one. This is one event, not the rest of yourlife.
Its common for people to fret about the precedent theyre setting, the slippery slope theyre traversing, the message theyre sending, pick your cliche for far-reaching consequence. Most of the time, these worries are just a needless distraction; if you bend on something once and dont bend that way again, wheres the slope-slippage inthat?
If it sounds as if Im advising you to leave your new boyfriend at home, Im not (though hes either a good sport, eager not to go, both, or, ick, insincere and testing you, something else to consider). My advice is merely to simplify your decision by treating it as the one-off itis.
Envision seeing your ex for the first time since your divorce, and his mother, at the wedding of your mutual friends. What version of that scene is kindest to you, your current, your ex, his mom, and the bride and groom: being alone, or having your boyfriend there? Thats the decision youmake.
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