Internet dating focuses too much on the pixels - News Herald

By ALICE ADAMS

PANAMA CITY

I receive an email photo of what looks like a nice man. I tell myself, "Dont get your hopes up." Followed by another disappointment. The dating game stinks!

It all sounds simple: Find a photo with a promising face. Now, Im not a 30-year-old bimbo pursuing a Johnny Depp lookalike or some cushy-pockets millionaire. Nor am I a perfectionist, with a long list of no-nos: no drinking, no smoking, must be 6 feet tall, must have hair, must drive T-Bird. None of the above. Im just a woman of a certain age, with brains and independence, looking for a man with good sense, good humor and good manners. Can I find one? Rarely.

Heres what I usually get. At an online dating site, I open emails from prospective suitors. The messages are revealing. No. 1 shows a man weighing about 400 pounds, atop a motorcycle and wearing a do-rag. The caption reads, "Looking for a submissive woman." No thanks I couldnt possibly make him happy.

No. 2 is very handsome, suspiciously so; his picture is so out of date it looks like it came from his high school yearbook. He could be a tad dishonest since we are both in our 60s.

The third claims to be a real gentleman, but his message is all misspelled and has almost no punctuation. Wouldnt it be the height of good manners to correct the spelling?

The fourth message is an invitation from a woman! Actually she is the most promising of the lot, but I dont go there.

And its not only the males who act this way; men encounter similar problems. Some ladies judge men by how they dress, others by how much they spend. But finally, here it is: a photo of a man with kind eyes. Thats all Im looking for, besides intelligence and good health habits.

So I send him an email with my photo. Is he interested? Yes, he is. But since Im over 65 but dont look like an old granny, he wants to know how recent my photo is. Most men think Im posting an ancient picture, since some of them are. I tell him, "Its four years old." So usually he either stops emailing right then, or replies, "So when are you getting a new photo?"

He doesnt ask what activities I enjoy, what my philosophy of life is, or what happened to my husband. His questions are 98 percent focused on appearance. I dont have a recent photo because when someone snaps my picture, I look like Roseanne Barr on a bad day, even though Im not fat. To counter this effect, I generally need a photographer with some flattering lights. The result is satisfying but expensive, so I really intend the photo to last about five years.

But I always get that unasked question: Never mind four years ago; what do you look like now? Have you suddenly turned into Granny Clampett or blown up like a balloon? I would like to reply by asking the gentleman what body part he is especially interested in, then I can offer to send a photo of that and he can forget the rest. Since he is obviously not interested in who I am, maybe that would work better. The entire process makes me hopping mad, so I thought over the reason why, and I found the answer: I hate being "sized" up! (See those quotation marks? Pun intended.)

What is wrong with dating today? I dont know. But all this focus on appearance, this focus on numbers and size, it seems to me, ruins any chance of a viable relationship. If we could all meet in a big room and have a group discussion, it would be of much more help. Each person could see the others but could also hear them.

I propose such a solution a dating group where each person would be "certified" single, and would meet for a group discussion. A moderator could squelch the "conversation hogs" and encourage the shy. Most people reveal more when they state their opinions than in an email. Narcissism can be hidden only by those with real histrionic talent, and dissipation shows up in face or figure. Peoples opinions are interesting too and reveal selfishness or strange obsessions.

Of course, for those only interested in her figure or his wallet, the Internet system works just fine. Well, they can keep it.