Pals union stirs up problem - Arkansas Online

LITTLE ROCK DEAR CAROLYN: Im having an ethical dilemma related to my ex-husband. Weve been divorced a year, separated for two. We were together more than five years. We were both very hurt by the breakup, but ultimately it was my decision to leave. There was no infidelity, no abuse. It was complicated but not vicious. Since the divorce, weve talked only to work out tax/financial issues, since we have no children together. It was always amicable, but awkward.

This summer, my good friend from college is getting married to my exs oldest friend (they introduced us). It will be the first time Ive seen my ex since the divorce, and his mother will also be there. I have anxiety about not only seeing my ex and his mom (she can be quite curt), but also whether to take along the man I am dating.

My boyfriend and I started dating months after the divorce and it has gotten very serious. Hes a considerate guy and says hell understand if I dont take him. But I am torn. I feel like if I dont take my boyfriend, then I am putting my past relationship before my current one. Yet to take my boyfriend might be heartless, since I know it would hurt my ex to see me with someone else. I respect my ex and dont want to cause him any more pain. Am I overthinking this?

Neurotic divorcee

DEAR READER: Possibly, but thats better than underthinking it. The only things at stake here are peoples feelings, and so choosing the path for this one event thats thoughtful and sensitive to the most peoples feelings is your only real goal.

And with that discrete, narrow goal in mind, please feel free to jettison the concern that youre putting my past relationship before my current one. This is one event, not the rest of your life.

Its common for people to fret about the precedent theyre setting, the slippery slope theyre traversing, the message theyre sending, pick your cliche for far-reaching consequence. Most of the time, these worries are just a needless distraction. If you bend on something once and dont bend that way again, wheres the slope-slippage in that?

Envision seeing your ex for the first time since your divorce, and his mother, at the wedding of your mutual friends. What version of that scene is kindest to you, your current, your ex, his mom, and the bride and groom: being alone or having your boyfriend there? Thats the decision you make.

DEAR CAROLYN: How would you react, if at all, if a significant old flame, who is still a friend, but a married-to someone-else friend, closed a message with, I cant stop thinking about you?

Blame it on a fleeting, full moon madness? Wait and see if any similar comments are issued, then discuss?

I just ignored it, but the same message involved an invitation to get together for coffee, etc. (etc.?), so Im wondering if friendship can be maintained. Perhaps this is some seven-year itch? And no, I never swim in the married end of the pool.

Anonymous

DEAR READER: When I first read this question, my knee-jerk response was Avoid. (If my reflexes had sound effects, theyd sound the horn from movie submarines when Clark Gable or Cary Grant is yelling, Dive! Dive!)

But that passed. Theres no risk of emotional affair, no flirtation with or allure of one, no appearance of one even, unless you were intrigued by his sign-off. And if you werent intrigued, just alarmed, then consider that his message was less a love note than a cry for help.

Sending out a feeler the way he did might indeed mean that he misses/wants you. I think its more likely, though, given that it was out of the blue (right?) and somewhat timid, that he is numb in his marriage, not ready to deal with that openly, and seeking sensory input elsewhere.

In that case, the best response from a true friend might be, What the heck was that? Someone who is close to him, but truly completely utterly devoid of ulterior motives and an unflinching advocate of this friend and his marriage, is in the ideal position to put her hand on his chin, figuratively speaking, and turn his attention right back to his marriage. What about Jan? you ask. And then you listen, and encourage him to talk to her, talk to a shrink, talk to his mommy, anyone but a desperate Plan B.

Oh and if you are intrigued? Tell him you want no part of cheating, then dive, dive, dive.

Chat online with Carolyn at 11 a.m. Central time each Friday at washing tonpost.com. Write to Tell Me About It in care of The Washington Post, Style Plus, 1150 15th St. N.W., Washington, D.C. 20071; or e-mail

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This article was published today at 5:21 a.m.

Style, Pages 47 on 07/24/2011